She Was
by Harbuddha
Summary: Cordelia 's perspective on her own death. Chapter 3 *Final Version* BtVS/Angel X-Over. Sad and angsty, and all that good stuff>>>you've been warned!
1. She Was

Title- She Was Rating- G Disclaimer- I own nothing.  
  
She was helpless. Consumed by the pillows surrounding her, she looked so small.  
  
She was sleeping. Her heartbeat slow, but she shifted every so often.  
  
She was beautiful. Flawless at every angle, she never looked better.  
  
She loved me. And I loved her. But we can never be together.  
  
**********  
  
I knew it would happen sooner or later. But the realization didn't hit me until it was too late. We were together for years, but never quite together in the sense of her loving me as much as I loved her. I watched her grow into the beautiful young woman she became. She was strong, loyal, a dear friend whom I will never forget.  
  
When she told me the news, I cried. I slumped to the floor and my body heaved with sobs. She held me, in our darkest hour, when I should have been holding her. She was the one who was dying.  
  
Our friends had just entered the lobby when they saw us holding each other, crying out desperately. They stood bewildered, in shock. She looked up to them, and she gracefully stood. She announced that she was going to die, and there was nothing to be done. They collapsed onto each other as I did the floor. Fred cried, bawled actually. Gunn looked defiant, and stood holding Fred in his arms looked at Cordelia.  
  
How could they take away the heart of our family? How could they do this to me? She insisted there wasn't anything to be done. We couldn't call the Powers, we couldn't complete a test. Her heart would stop beating and mine would break. And there was nothing to be done.  
  
When I asked her how long we had left, she looked at me with a sort of sadness that could just kill a man. She shook her beautiful head and replied,  
  
"Days, if that." The look of shock on my face was evident as she grabbed me again and this time we stayed vertical as I cried.  
  
She had accepted her fate, and though it would be hard, in time I would too. But the thing about our situation was, we didn't have time. She didn't have time. She would soon be gone and I would resort to the dark crevices of this grand hotel.  
  
I took her for granted. I never realized how important she was to me. I thought I would be able to go on, but it turns out there's no possible way I could. We had been through so much together, how could it all be coming to an end? I thought it was only the beginning.  
  
It was then I told her I loved her. Perhaps I should have waited. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything at all. But when I saw her smile, I knew I did the right thing. She told me that she loved me too, and I smiled a bittersweet smile. And being that I was already in her arms, she cupped my face, and she kissed me.  
  
It was wild. It was passionate. It was everything I'd hope for.  
  
We were alone in the hotel. And as we kissed, so many emotions consumed me. Why had I waited to tell her the very thing I had felt for months? I felt lost, confused, sad, and happy.  
  
She broke the kiss and then we sat. We held each other for what seemed hours, saying nothing, and just rocking silently. Then she broke the silence as abruptly as she had broken the news. Her plea was surprising.  
  
"I want to say goodbye to my past".  
  
She looked up into my eyes and I nodded in compliance.  
  
"I'll call them". I said softly and I brushed her hair lightly out of her face and kissed her forehead. I stood, ready to make the call I had been subconsciously dreading my entire existence. I would have to tell Cordy's past she was dying.  
  
They were shocked. Utterly transfixed with denial. But they were coming anyway. They would travel by night, and be there by morning. They apologized profusely.  
  
I told her they were coming. And she started to ask me something. And I already knew what she was going to ask.  
  
"Are you sure?" And she replied resolutely,  
  
"I have to see him." I staggered to respond, but I couldn't form words. My past anger rose within me and I almost wasn't able to control it.  
  
"You have to forgive him." She looked to me with those dazzling eyes that overtook my soul. How couldn't I give in to her plea.  
  
"I want this family back before I go. And when I'm gone, I expect it to be together."  
  
God she was so beautiful. I could not argue with her. Some could say that was her last dying wish. I knew it was just Cordy. Ever the one to piece things back together. I moved swiftly to the telephone.  
  
"No." She called from the lobby. I turned to her.  
  
"Go to him." I was going to contest, but she was right. I couldn't call him.  
  
"Are you going to be okay?" She nodded, but I knew she wouldn't be. She was going to die in a few days. She would never be okay.  
  
**********  
  
It wasn't hard to persuade him to come. When he opened the door the look of desperation in my face must have alerted him something was deathly wrong. I wasn't going there to apologize. And he wasn't going to apologize to me. I wasn't invited in, he simply stood there. Staring at me with icy eyes. There were only a few words to be said before he decided to come with me.  
  
"Cordy's dying." I hadn't expected him to be so upset. His icy exterior faded and he could only produce an "Oh God." He looked down to the floor and then up to me.  
  
"How long?" He asked simply. Fearing the worst and expecting the worst.  
  
"Days." I didn't elaborate. I didn't know what to say to this man. This man who stole my child. This man who defied me. This man who turned against his family.  
  
He followed me to my car and he got in after I signaled to him it was all right. And as we drove wildly through the LA highway, I spoke to him. I had to do this for Cordelia. I had to do this for me.  
  
"She wants her family back. The only one she's had. We need to work past this." I waited for him to answer me, and when he didn't, I continued.  
  
"I won't apologize to you. I don't think you expected me to. And whether we need you back or not, you will come back. For Cordelia. You will come back for Cordelia." That's all I cared about. It's all he cared about. And then he spoke. Roughly, and hoarsely, he spoke.  
  
"I tried to protect her from so many things. We've been through so much together, but that doesn't seem to matter now, does it?" He said bitterly, and then continued. "I don't expect an apology, you're right. And I don't even expect forgiveness, but it's what I can hope for. Last year you turned against us. You turned against her. And I was all she had. A bit of her past that she didn't want to forget. We stood together, and we fought together. And so did you and I. I was wrong. I'm sorry. It was the biggest mistake of my life, and I regret it. My soul aches because of what I've done. And all I want now is to be accepted again. I need to be forgiven by you. By her. Or I cannot live with myself." I froze. Not knowing what to say to him.  
  
Though it did not compare, I had forgotten what I did to Cordelia last year. I abandoned her. I left her with the visions. I left her. How could I have left her? We pulled up to the Hyperion and I looked at him.  
  
"She will forgive you." I paused, not sure whether what I was about to say was true or not.  
  
"And so will I. Given time. I will forgive. But don't think I'll ever forget." He nodded, unbuckling his seatbelt. And as we walked though the hotel doors I saw her. She was waiting on the couch. Staring right through us.  
  
She looked at me.  
  
"Give us a minute." I nodded, and flew up the stairs after she smiled at me. And though I wanted to know what they said to one another, I couldn't bring myself to listen. It was Cordelia's time to talk to him. It was her time to forgive him. And that's when I heard it. The loudest smack I had ever heard. I ran to the banister to see the sight below me. Cordelia had punched Wesley straight in the nose. Blood was gushing everywhere. And despite myself, I smiled.  
  
I saw her rush to get the first aid kit, and Wesley took a seat on the couch, holding his head back. I expected her to flap her arms around and apologize to him, but she didn't. She knew what she was going to do. And she knew she wouldn't regret it. They started to talk, and I left for my room. As much as I wanted to, it was her time.  
  
**********  
  
After what seemed to be enough time, I slowly crept out of my room and headed downstairs. I saw Wesley on the couch, seated by Cordelia and they were crying. The sight brought tears to my eyes, but I forced them to stop. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. They saw me and Wesley stood. Cordelia stood up and embraced the man that had betrayed our family. She had forgiven him.  
  
"You are an extraordinary woman, Cordelia Chase. You will never be forgotten. I swear to you that." She smiled sadly towards him and she patted him on the back.  
  
"Thank you for everything. And remember what I said."  
  
"I will never forget." He turned to go and I looked at him. And before he was out the door, I was compelled to hug this man. This man who had helped me through so many toils. This man who had jumped through a portal to save Cordy with me. This man who tried to protect my family. And as hard as I tried to resist the temptation, I couldn't. I embraced him, and the look of shock on his face was replaced with that of bittersweet joy.  
  
"Be sure to come back." Wesley nodded at my plea and he left the hotel. I watched him go and then I turned to Cordelia who was now bawling and smiling simultaneously.  
  
"Thank you." She whispered. I held her. Then we were interrupted by a quiet knock at the door and then it swung open. We looked to see who the intruders were, and we were pleased with the sight before us. The Scoobies had arrived and in full force. And if it had been days before, it would have been a joyful reunion, yet awkward, but today it was simply a tragic reunion, and more awkward.  
  
Cordelia released me and looked at her past. Buffy was leading the entourage. And what I had never expected had happened. Cordelia and Buffy hugged. And with tears in my past lovers eyes they embraced. No words were exchanged, but none were needed. I saw some red hair and knew that Willow was present in the group. She moved to Cordy and gave her a hug as well. The moment was tense, and silent, but not awkward as expected. It was all very natural.  
  
And lastly, Xander emerged. He looked defeated as he moved towards Cordy. His hands in his pockets and with a deep furrowed brow, he was embraced by Cordelia. And he cried. Silent tears of pity and grief, he cried as Cordelia held him. I saw some blonde in the distance and noticed Spike was there. I nodded to him and he nodded back with a solemn expression. He moved towards Cordelia as she and Xander parted. Spike then grabbed my seer and hugged her.  
  
"Thought I'd follow the trend." He spoke with his accent. Cordy laughed, and that made me smile. She had laughed. In this incredibly weak moment, she had laughed.  
  
"Thank you all for coming. This isn't exactly how I wanted to be reunited with you guys. But, I guess there isn't much we can do about that. Why don't we get Gunn and Fred and go out for breakfast. I'm sure they know of a good diner at this hour." She looked to me and I simply nodded back. And that's when I realized.  
  
Why be so depressed and sorrowful? Or as Cordy would like to put it, broody? We should make these last hours of her life as cheerful and fun as possible. Cordelia wouldn't want to go with everyone remorseful.  
  
"That sounds good, Cordy. But, I've got to talk to you for a moment." He motioned towards the office and she nodded.  
  
"You all make yourselves comfortable. We'll be right back." She told our company. She was so nice. And I'm sure that was a shock to the Scoobies, but that's how I knew her.  
  
I started right in, "I am going to be so utterly lost without you here, Cordy." Her expression quickly changed to one of misery, so I continued. "But for now, I think you'd want to be happy, right?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"Well, let's be happy. I know you want to say goodbye to them, and you will, but before you-before you-"  
  
"Die." She said it so matter-of-factly,  
  
"Yeah, before you die, I think we should just be together. With Fred, and Gunn, and just us. Your family." She smiled.  
  
"My family." She repeated. "I like the sound of that."  
  
**********  
  
So we had eaten breakfast at a local diner that Fred and Gunn had chosen. And instead of gloom and doom, we laughed. We were enjoying ourselves. We talked about the past. And we even talked about the future. And when I looked to Cordelia knowing she wouldn't be here to fulfill her future, she was still interested in our future. In fact, that's all she wanted to know. She wanted to be sure we would be okay. She made me tell her my five-year plan. And I figured it all out with her. And she told me something incredibly loving and sincere,  
  
"I will always be with you. Remember that, Angel. I will always be fighting by your side." I nodded and a tear ran down my cheek. The group from Sunnydale watched in silence, and I kissed her hand which I held so close to me.  
  
The group from Sunnydale was preparing to leave and Cordelia said her goodbyes. And instead of shooing me out of the way, she wanted me by her side. She had decided she didn't want to be alone. Xander took it the hardest. And when he hugged her he chocked out  
  
"I will always love you Cordelia. Always and forever." She had trouble breathing after that, but she regained her composure and kissed his cheek.  
  
"Good luck, Xander. You are-you are a great man. A great one." He thanked her then hurried to the car and got in, shedding some more tears undoubtedly. Willow then approached her. Willows big eyes had tears rushing out.  
  
"Oh, Willow, don't cry. You never liked me much anyway." Cordelia giggled.  
  
"That's not true!" Willow replied.  
  
"I know. I'm sorry for what I put you through in high school. You have really turned out to be such a wonderful person, Willow. You are loving, and caring, and everything I wanted to be."  
  
"But you are all those things, Cordy, and much more." And Willow was right. And as the two girls hugged, Buffy came to me and started to say her goodbyes.  
  
"If you need anything, anything at all, you call me. One of us will be here in an instant." She reached up and hugged me briefly and kissed my cheek. She then moved to Cordelia who was waiting for her.  
  
"I know we were never really friends, but, I'll miss you." Buffy said thoughtfully.  
  
"I'd like to think we were. And I know that must be some crazy observation, but I think we were. We could have ruled that school you and I. But I'm glad we didn't. We were different, but now I think we're pretty similar." Cordy paused during her little speech, and then she whispered to Buffy as they hugged, and I heard her,  
  
"Enjoy life, Buffy. Enjoy it!" They smiled and Buffy got in the car.  
  
"Well, this was nice." Spike said walking towards Cordy flicking his cigarette to the side of the road.  
  
"You really shouldn't smoke, it's bad for your health." She stated simply, and he looked a bit taken aback.  
  
"I'll keep that in mind." He kissed her cheek and waved a goodbye to me.  
  
"You two hug, you never know when you'll see each other again!" I sighed, and then reluctantly hugged Spike. And he patted my back affectionately. He turned to go and I heard him sniff.  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"What?" He didn't turn around,  
  
"Are you crying?" He then turned to us and he had tears streaming down his face.  
  
"It's just so bloody unfair, is all! Why is this happening to you? Of all people? You seem so nice! So good! Especially for this bloke! He needed someone to set him straight, and it seems you did it! Why do you have to-" He stopped. And Cordelia, her motherly instincts coming through, went to him and hugged him tightly.  
  
"It's ok. It's all right. I'm ready." She looked at him. And he nodded and went to the car and they drove away. And then I looked at Cordy and she was smiling. I had expected her to cry, but instead she was smiling. I guided her back to the hotel and we walked through the lobby and we were greeted by Gunn, Fred, and Wesley. It seemed they had spoken and understood why he was there. I looked at Cordelia and she looked worn out.  
  
"Well, I'm pretty tired. Angel, can I crash upstairs?"  
  
"Of course!"  
  
"I'll try not to get peanut butter on the sheets." Amazing. She was absolutely amazing. How could she have remembered something as simple as that. It had been years since I had scolded her for getting peanut butter on my sheets. I couldn't help but laugh. She walked up the stairs and I watched her go.  
  
Later on I went to check on her and she was awake.  
  
"Hey you." She said to me quietly wrapped up in my sheets. I'd be sure to sleep in them every time I went to bed.  
  
"Hi. How you feeling?"  
  
"My head is throbbing, but it'll be fine." She looked at me intensely, "It will be fine." I nodded and sat beside her clasping her hand in mine.  
  
"Angel, I'm going to get all mushy now, but bear with me." I nodded and she went on,  
  
"You are the best thing to ever happen to me. I love you so deeply, and that love will never fade. But you have to promise me that you won't brood. Promise me that you won't resort to the dark crevices of this grand hotel," How did she know- "Promise me that you will go on living. And that you will go on fighting. And that you will complete this mission and complete your shanshu." I paused, thinking about what she had revealed, and I answered,  
  
"I promise you. But expect some broodiness."  
  
"Ok, some broodiness, I'd feel a bit left out if you didn't brood over me. But no more than a day, all right? It will break my heart if you mourn over me like that. I want you to be happy." I smiled despite the current situation, she could always make me smile.  
  
"All right. Deal." I held her then and she fell asleep. And when she woke up, she looked to me.  
  
"Can you get Fred and Gunn. And Lorne if he's around?"  
  
"Of course." The time was coming. She could feel it. I stayed with her when the others came in.  
  
"Hey guys. Well, this is so dramatic, isn't it? Well, anyway. Ok, Fred?" Fred looked so upset. Cordy was her best friend, other than Gunn. They did the girly things together, and she'd miss that.  
  
"You have to do something for me."  
  
"Anything, Cordy."  
  
"You have to keep Gunn in line." She winked,  
  
"All right, I'll try."  
  
"And also, be the heart of this family." She nodded, not knowing how to respond. And then she hugged Cordy.  
  
"Thank you for everything. Angel may have saved me from the monsters in Pylea, but without you, he wouldn't have been there. Thank you." She cried and tears fell from Cordy's eyes. Gunn was next, and Cordy looked up to the tall, dark man.  
  
"You take care of Fred, you hear me?"  
  
"Done."  
  
"You're a great friend." It was so simple, but so true. Gunn broke down and cried right then, holding Cordy in his arms.  
  
"I'll miss you, Barbie." Cordy chuckled. They left and then Lorne rushed in.  
  
"What's going on?" He asked worriedly.  
  
"Oh, Lorne." Cordelia said whimsically. He then slumped.  
  
"Oh, no. This can't be!" He knew. Without a reply, he knew. He sat by Cordy's side and held her hand.  
  
"Oh, Princess. I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be. Everything's going to be all right. Now, I just need you to keep an eye on Angel. Make sure he doesn't over exceed his brooding period."  
  
"Done deal, Princess. And you truly are a Princess." She smiled, that gorgeous smile that is only fit for a queen and Lorne stood up and left. I then sat by her side and held her hand.  
  
"I love you, Angel."  
  
"I love you too, Cordy." And she closed her eyes.  
  
She was helpless. Consumed by the pillows surrounding her, she looked so small.  
  
She was sleeping. Her heartbeat slow, but she shifted every so often.  
  
She was beautiful. Flawless at every angle, she never looked better.  
  
She loved me. And I loved her. But we can never be together. Because she died that night in my arms. I mourned her death, and I was devastated. But I was sure not to exceed my brooding period.  
  
~End~ 


	2. She Was Another Perspective

Title- She Was: Another Perspective  
  
Rating- G  
  
Disclaimer- I own nothing.  
  
Timeline- I don't receive UPN where I live, so I'm not up to date on BtVS. So, ignore what's happened in it and bear with me.  
  
Note- Ok, So I was bored. You may want to read "She Was" which is from Angel's perspective, but it doesn't matter which one you read first. They'll both make sense. Enjoy!  
  
**********  
  
I was sleeping when he called. Snuggled under the warmth of my own bed.  
  
I was restless when he called. Tossing and turning as my dreams invaded my mind.  
  
I was not expecting him to call. But he did with news that shocked me to the core.  
  
**********  
  
I reached for the phone that was ringing off the hook. I hoped Dawn wouldn't wake up.  
  
"Hello?" I said with remnants of sleep in my voice.  
  
"Buffy?" His voice was familiar. But it held sadness in it.  
  
"Angel?" He paused, I guess not knowing how to begin.  
  
"She's dying." It was plain and simple, and I had no idea who he was talking about. I should have known, but I didn't.  
  
"Who's dying?" I asked confused.  
  
"Cordy." His voice cracked. He was crying, he had been crying, and he would probably cry again. My eyes widened in shock.  
  
"No." I couldn't believe it. How was she dying? How was it possible? He didn't reply to my confusion.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Angel." There was nothing else to be said. So I said it again.  
  
"I am so sorry."  
  
"She wants to say goodbye." My heart broke. After so many years, she wanted to say goodbye. And after everything that had happened in high school, she wanted to say goodbye. I was reluctant to say yes. I didn't want to say goodbye to a dying soul, but how could I not?  
  
"We'll be there by morning." I clutched the phone tightly waiting for him to say something else, but when I heard the click on the other end, I knew he was going back to her. He was going to comfort her.  
  
I jumped out of bed and threw on some clothes. I had yet to react to the news. My mind was racing with things I had to do before I left. I went into Dawn's room and woke her up with a gentle shove.  
  
"Dawnie?" She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and looked up at me.  
  
"What? What is it? An apocalypse?" She asked frightened.  
  
"No, no. Everything's all right. Willow, Xander, and I have to go to LA."  
  
"Oh! I want to come!" She asked with slight vigor.  
  
"No, Dawn. You have to stay here. I'll get Tara to watch you. We won't be gone long."  
  
"Why are you going?"  
  
"A friend-" I paused as I said that. A friend. Cordelia as a friend. And she was.  
  
"A friend is dying and we have to go say goodbye." Dawn looked upset and nodded.  
  
"Ok, I'll be fine." I kissed her forehead and said goodbye. She watched me hurry out of her room.  
  
**********  
  
I knocked on Willow's door cautiously. She wasn't sleeping, instead I found her reading in bed.  
  
"Will."  
  
"Oh, hey Buffy. Is everything all right?" When I didn't answer her she put her book down and looked back up to me.  
  
"Who called?" I told her it was Angel. And I told her about Cordy. She scrambled out of bed quickly.  
  
"I'll be ready in a minute." She said slowly. I let her room and headed downstairs.  
  
I picked up the phone and called Tara. Told her the situation and she said she would be there soon. As I hung up I noticed a presence within the room. Spike was glowering in the corner.  
  
"Hello love." He said slyly.  
  
"Spike. Now isn't the time." I choked out, about ready to sob.  
  
"What is it?" His smirk was replaced with concern and he hurried over to me.  
  
"Angel called. Cordelia's dying." He looked into my eyes and he took my breath away. He gave me a hug and then released me shortly after.  
  
"Are you going to LA?"  
  
"Yes. I still have to get Xander."  
  
"I'm coming with you-"  
  
"I don't think that's the best idea, Spike."  
  
"Stop it. I'm coming with you." He was determined. I couldn't say no. Willow then approached us ready to go. I looked at her sadly and we headed out to Xander's.  
  
**********  
  
Xander was asleep with Anya when I knocked on their door. When he opened it he was dressed in a blue robe holding a baseball bat with Anya tucked behind him.  
  
"Buffy. What's going on?" He looked behind me, expecting some sort of demon. But the only demon I had behind me was my past.  
  
"Xander." It's all I could say. How could I tell him this? I put my hand on his bat and lowered it for he was still armed with it.  
  
"We have to go to LA." He looked at me perplexed and then he took note of my solemn expression.  
  
"Angel?" And I looked up to him and shook my head.  
  
"Cordy." He let out loud, short sigh. He lowered his head and invited me in.  
  
"Just let me, let me get dressed." He choked out. Anya stood next to me in her nightgown.  
  
"What's happened?" She asked me curiously.  
  
"Cordelia's dying." Anya nodded sadly and went back to the bedroom just as Xander emerged.  
  
"Let's go."  
  
**********  
  
Xander had protested Spike's presence, but then Spike replied heartedly,  
  
"What, I can't say goodbye to the cheerleader too?" Xander simply nodded and we drove off in Spike's car.  
  
The first part of the trip was silent. No one spoke. No one had anything to say. And then Willow started.  
  
"Remember when Cordy had to help save us from when the town wanted to burn us at the stake?" I was amused at how random she had been. Trying to find the best quality out of Cordelia Chase.  
  
"Yeah, I remember." I said earnestly. Then Xander spoke from the back of the car.  
  
"She was my first real girlfriend, ya know." He paused, catching his breath. He had been waiting to say that.  
  
"She wasn't everything I'd wanted, but she was great. It didn't exactly end nicely, and to my surprise I was the one who had ended it. And I don't mean to forget the things she did to me. To us. She was a bitch, and just because she's dying doesn't mean I have to praise her." I was shocked at what he had said. Sure, he was right, but not being very respectful.  
  
"Xander!" I exclaimed.  
  
"He's bloody right, ya know." Spike said from the driver's side.  
  
"He may be right, but that doesn't mean we have to-" I stopped. I didn't know where that was going. He was right. Part of Cordelia's personality was her bitchiness.  
  
"Never mind. You're right, Xander. She was a bitch."  
  
"She's changed." Willow spoke up from beside Xander.  
  
"How do you-"  
  
"I just know. I had to go and tell them when you died. Sure she was dressed up in some weird princess get-up, but she held Angel when he cried. I've talked to her a few times, over the internet. She seems. She seems nicer."  
  
"Queen C? Nice? I don't buy it. Three years in LA couldn't have changed her that-"  
  
"Of course it could." I replied blankly. And when the rest of the group didn't comprehend I continued.  
  
"Look at us. We've all changed. Hell, Willow's a lesbian now and Xander you're getting married. Three years will change a person."  
  
They didn't respond to my outburst, and we drove the rest of the way in silence. When we pulled up to the Hyperion hotel it looked massive. Some lights were slightly dimmed and I saw that the lobby was open and lit up.  
  
"Are you guys ready to go in?" They nodded and I lead the way. I then saw Wesley coming towards us.  
  
"Wes?" I was a bit taken aback by his rough exterior and the tears streaming down his unshaven face.  
  
"Oh. Hello." That's all he said, he moved past us quickly and hailed a cab. He jumped in quickly and the taxi sped up the road. It was strange to see him like that, but I shrugged the thought off when I knocked on the door to the Hyperion and saw them.  
  
They were hugging. Angel grasping onto her for dear life and her arms around his neck. I would have been jealous. I would have been envious. If I hadn't been so damn sad. Just seeing her made me want to cry. And before I knew it I had gone to her and we were hugging.  
  
I released her and Willow moved to embrace Cordelia. We were all silent, but I guess there was nothing to say. And then I saw Xander. He looked so devastated. He hadn't said anything to us in the car about him being so upset. Cordy grabbed him and held him and he cried.  
  
Spike then emerged and hugged Cordy. I was taken aback at his welcoming, and so was Cordy.  
  
"Thought I'd follow the trend." Cordy laughed, and once she did, so did I. She was taking this death thing well.  
  
She mentioned something about a gun and Fred and she thanked us for coming. Angel asked to speak with her privately and she told us to make ourselves comfortable. I looked to Xander seeing him realize that three years could change a person. I wasn't shocked, but I was pleased.  
  
We all went out for breakfast and we met their friends. I didn't say anything to Angel yet. We simple smiled towards one another. When we were talking over breakfast there was an odd silence and Cordy spoke to Angel. She lifted his hand and kissed it. And once again, I wasn't jealous. Despite all the sorrow that was about to befall this group, Angel was smiling. Cordy had made him smile. And in a time where I would have made him brood, Cordy made him laugh. God, he was going to miss her.  
  
And that was it. Our time was Cordy had come to an end and we went back to the hotel and prepared to leave. I was going to miss Cordelia more now. Before, I thought she was a cold hearted bitch, but now that I knew the real Cordelia-the loyal, loving, and endearing Cordelia, I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave her. I didn't want her to die.  
  
As Willow said goodbye to Cordy, I moved to Angel. It had been the first and last thing I had said to him all night. I told him if he needed anything to call me. I then said goodbye to Cordelia, which was probably one of the hardest things I'd ever have to do.  
  
She told me to enjoy life. And I intend to.  
  
**********  
  
The ride back to Sunnydale wasn't as quiet as the ride to LA. We were all upset, but somehow, Cordy put us in better spirits. I noticed Spike's wet face when he came back to the car. We were all crying, but we laughed at the same time.  
  
"She's different." Xander stated somberly. And that's when he broke down even more.  
  
"God, she's so different." I looked in the rear view mirror and noticed Willow comforting him.  
  
"We'll never get to know her now. She won't get to do the things we'll get to do. She's just going to be gone." And as I took in Xander's last comment, I realized something.  
  
"That may be true, Xander. But think about it. She's had three years in LA, she turned into a better person. Some people can live their entire lives without changing. Without realizing what's important. But she did." I saw him nod and the rest of the trip was silent.  
  
We dropped Xander off at his apartment, and I got out to say goodbye.  
  
"It'll be okay, Xander." He sighed and gave me a hug.  
  
"You meant a lot to her." He turned and left and I got back into the car.  
  
We drove back home knowing that Cordelia would be gone by the next day. We knew that she would never have the chance to get married. We knew she would never get to see Angel shanshu. We knew she would never get to see us again. But we also knew that she had changed. And she would die a strong, loving, person who affected everyone she met. She helped the hopeless. And she will never be forgotten. 


	3. She Was Cordy's POV

Title- She Was: Cordy's PoV Rating- G Disclaimer- I own nothing. A/N- I know. I know.am I getting a little too involved with this fic? Yes? I think so, too. I just really enjoyed writing it, but I promise, no more POV's will be explored..unless.no! No more, this is just borderline obsession. Anyway, I suggest reading either "She Was" or "She Was-Another Perspective" before this one! Thanks & Enjoy!  
  
**********  
  
I felt useless. Nothing I could do, nothing I could say to comfort those who loved me.  
  
I felt weak. Utter confusion penetrated my mind and I could hardly work up the energy to speak.  
  
I felt loved. For the first time in my life I knew people wanted me to live.  
  
He loved me. And I loved him. But we can never be together.  
  
**********  
  
I woke up one day and I knew. I could feel it inside me. From the emerging sense of finality to the urge to break free, I knew. But what I didn't know was how I'd tell him. How would we tell everyone else? How would they take the news? The news that I was dying?  
  
When I got to the office I knew I'd tell him. How could I not? This wasn't a demon I could run from, it was something I'd have to face. It was something he would have to face. We'd face it together. But I didn't have long. The weakness that consumed me was beckoning to me to rest. To sleep. To end the suffering. It would all end soon, and he would be left alone to deal with the pain and torment of losing me.  
  
Perhaps he wouldn't mind. Well, of course he would mind, but it won't kill him. He moved on from Buffy's death, he could definitely move on from the end of my mere existence. He loved me as a friend, I know. But when I woke up with that feeling that death was going to overtake me, I also woke up with another revelation. I loved Angel.  
  
I couldn't practice what I was going to say to him. He'd know I had rehearsed it. I'd stutter, I'd pause. I'd make a mockery of it. So I just came out and told him. Perhaps not the best time, nor the best place to say it in the middle of the lobby of the Hyperion. He looked shocked at first. And then he fell to his knees and I hurried to him. He cried, immersed in misery, and I held him. I held his body, I held his soul.  
  
It seemed like eternity. Us bawling on the floor. And then the door opened, and Gunn and Fred entered. I got up from my position and looked at them sadly. I told them. It was hard and they looked devastated. Fred clung to Gunn's shirt and cried into the soft cotton material. Gunn stood looking into the empty space with a look of hurt in his eyes.  
  
I had been thinking earlier about this. This day. This moment. This piece of time I could never get back. The instance when my world came crashing down over me with my friends by my side. I knew it would happen one day. But not now. Not this precious wrinkle in time. Not when my world had finally been put together by only The Powers That Be know who. I resented the world. I resented the Powers. I resented life. My life. My existence. I've been through such torment, and now they take it away? When I'm happy? When I'm purely blissful? Why couldn't they take it away when I was crushed by Xander? Why couldn't that rebar penetrated a few inches higher? Why couldn't they take it away when I was lonely in LA with no where to turn? Why couldn't they take it away when Angel turned on us and I had no one to confide in? Why.?  
  
Angel shook me from my thoughts and asked me how long I had left. My melancholic expression should have warned him, but there was still a glimmer of hope in his eye. I exaggerated my answer, "Days, if that." He took this as another blow and looked defeated once more over. I took him into my embrace and held him upright as he heaved with sobs.  
  
It was all coming to an end. How could it be? An end of such a short era. An era of only twenty years. How could I go onto the next life with the man I loved still living? How could I move on?  
  
And just when I thought all was lost and I would die a miserable girl with all hope diminished, he said it. The words I had been subconsciously waiting for my entire existence. "Cordy, I love you." He choked the words out sweetly and I simply replied, "I love you too." And I took this moment to do what I would never regret. Something I had always wanted to do. Something I would never forget. I kissed him.  
  
It was wild. It was passionate. It was everything I'd hope for.  
  
We broke the longing kiss and we just held each other. I thought about everything I wouldn't get to do. I'd never get to see Angel shanshu. That's what broke my heart. His mission. His redemption. Which I had been present for a good portion of that journey. And then I remembered something I had been meaning to do for ages.  
  
"I want to say goodbye to my past." He seemed surprised, that in my last hours I'd want to submit to being with the people I despised for so long. The people that hurt me. Deceived me. The people that I could never forget.  
  
He nodded in agreement and left to call them. I watched from afar as the being I loved did one of the most courageous things he had ever done. Because they were not just my past, they were a large portion of his past. And then I remembered another part of our mutual past. A part that hadn't been around for a while. A part that was at one point essential to the operation known as Angel Investigations. So when Angel came back from making that call, I asked of him the biggest favor. And he did it. With no objections, with no reluctance. Well, perhaps a bit of reluctance.  
  
He was about to call him, but I asked him to go to him. See him face to face, because that was the only way he would be able to move on. He agreed, and asked if I'd be ok. I claimed I would be fine. But of course I wouldn't be. I was dying. **********  
  
It was the longest and loneliest hour of my life. Waiting for him to return with something I hadn't seen in so long. I hadn't spoken to, let alone about, Wesley in awhile, and as my mind raced with things to say, the only thing I could think of was forgiveness.  
  
I had to go on to the next world knowing that things were all right at home. Home. A funny word that I never associated with love or care. But now I do. The Hyperion is my home. Angel is my home. Snuggled in the crevices of this grand foyer I curled up and hugged my knees tight. I looked around me and realized what a life I had had. From the turmoil of Sunnydale to the strength and love that I acquired here in LA.  
  
So, when Wes and Angel walked though those doors I remembered everything we had been through. I bid Angel to give us a moment, and he swiftly flew up the stairs. As I looked at the man standing before me, so many emotions consumed me. The primary force being hatred. So, I felt compelled to hit him, and being that he was right there in front of me. I did. I hit him right in the nose. The blood gushed and I ran over to the counter and grabbed the first aid kit.  
  
I saw Angel at the top of the stairs standing in astonishment, but there was a slight smirk on his face. He turned to leave and I couldn't help but smile at his back.  
  
"Hey Wes." I wasn't going to apologize to him. There was no need. After what he put us through, he wasn't the one that deserved an apology. "Hello Cordelia." "Please. Call my Cordy." It felt so odd him not using the nickname he had used so frequently only weeks before. "Cordy." He paused as he held his head back with a white cloth soaking up the blood. "So, he told you right? One load off my back, eh?" Wes tried to nod, but the blood was still flowing. Damn, I had an awesome right hook. "Wes. Things haven't been that great lately, ya know? The ordeal with Connor, your decent into the evil darkness. And I know, I know-you had your reasons." I paused slightly, my hand still in mid-air preventing him from speaking. I got some nose strips out of the med box and continued. "But I don't want to hear them. I truly don't. Because, for whatever reason you decided to do what you did, I forgive you. And whether or not you were seeking my forgiveness, that's what you got. I don't have much, so when I die my will will only state that you get a few chairs and couch, but you need to know that I've forgiven you as well." He looked up at me, my attempt at bringing humor into this one sided conversation didn't seem to go over that well. "Oh, Wes. Come on, don't take things so seriously. Everyone dies. It's inevitable." "But we've been through so much." The emotion in his voice stopped me. I was about to say it didn't matter, but it did. Everything we had been through mattered. The bleeding seemed to have stopped and I took the strip I was holding and placed it on the bridge of his possibly broken nose. "I know we've been through a lot together. Good times, bad times, you were there for me. And I'd like to think I was there for you-" "Oh, you were-" "Even though I was the naïve teenager vying for attention, I hope I helped you through some bad times. But obviously I wasn't there for you when you decided to take Connor. And I wish I had been. Maybe you would've told me. Maybe you would have changed your mind. But in any case, you are one of my dearest friends, Wes. And nothing, no portal, no hell dimension, not even death, can change that." "Cordy-I don't know what to say?" "Just listen for a moment. I want this family back to the way it was. The fun, drunken nights at Caritas, the manly bonding that you, Gunn and Angel seemed to have picked up, and just the good times of fighting for the helpless. Come into work on Monday morning. Angel will forgive you. But you have to be here to make that happen. I'll be watching you guys every step of the way, so you better be here. Cracking your silly British jokes and making that English tea of yours-you need to be here." "Oh, God! I'll miss you." I smiled. And then when I saw the tears in his eyes it faded into sadness. I cried and so did he. I saw Angel at the top of the stairs again, emerged from his dark room, he saw us crying and couldn't help but cry himself. Wesley stood up quickly and I did the same. I hugged him for a long while and he spoke to me. "You are an extraordinary woman, Cordelia Chase. You will never be forgotten. I swear to you that." I looked down and smiled whilst I pat him on the back to bid him farewell. "Thank you for everything. And remember what I said." "I will never forget." He turned to go and then Angel appeared, and without warning, he embraced Wesley. And when Angel told him to come back, I broke down. This family would survive. This family would be all right. This family would in fact be a family again. Wesley left and Angel turned back to me, and as I bawled I thanked him. He was the most loving man I had ever met. He held me as the tears streamed down my face and then we heard a brief knock at the door. The Scoobies had arrived. I let go of Angel and I glided towards Buffy. And without a second thought about it, I hugged her. What compelled me to do so, I'll never know. But it just seemed right. I saw Willow edge closer to us, obviously wanting in on all this girl- bonding fun, so I included her by giving her a hug. Sweet Willow, somehow understanding the pain and the loss she hugged me back with sympathy. I then saw Xander. He looked oddly hurt and misguided as he moved towards me. It looked as if he wasn't going to do anything, just stand there, hands in pockets, head bowed. So I took it upon myself to embrace him. He cried, and I felt his chest heave up and down. Then, of all people to bring from Sunnydale, I saw the bleach blonde, Billy Idol wannabe in the corner of my eye advancing quickly. I wasn't sure whether to stake him or hug him, so I just embraced the vamp because he indicated, with arms wide open, his want to hug me. "Thought I'd follow the trend." That made me laugh. And when the others saw that I was laughing, they joined in. And what could have been an awkward, tense moment, was one of joy. I thanked them all for coming. How could I not, traveling in under two hours in such short notice. And when I suggested a diner for breakfast, Angel pulled me aside. I was worried that he was concerned about my condition. If I could handle going out into the cruel, cold world. But to my surprise he did quite the contrary.  
  
He asked if I wanted to be happy. I obviously replied yes, and then he suggested us being together as a family. A family. My new family that loved me, that wanted me, that didn't want me to die. I agreed full-heartedly. **********  
  
We went out to eat and we all talked. But instead of reminiscing about our pasts, I wanted to know about their futures. Where would they be? What would they do? I wanted to know it all. And they told me all. Everything I wanted to know, they supplied me with the answers.  
  
Then it was time to disperse. I wanted time with Angel. I wanted time with my family. And though I tried to be energetic, I was feeling weak. Tired. Ready to go. So, when we went back to the hotel, they prepared to leave.  
  
Xander approached me first. I had been thinking about what to say to this man that I first loved. The man that broke my heart into thousands of pieces. The man who I will always remember. He said that he loved me. And I just cried. There wasn't anything else to do but cry, so I hugged him and he held me up. So I said to him the only thing that I knew was true to all intensity, I told him he was a great man.  
  
Willow then came up beside me and was already crying. Forget the sentimental words of wisdom to bawl over, she was already in full force. I apologized to her for everything I had done to her in the past, and commended her on how great a person she was.  
  
Buffy came next. Claiming we weren't really friends but she'd still miss me, I reminded her that we are just a different form of friends. This was such an extraordinary girl. A slayer, in fact. The girl Angel once loved, and always will in my opinion. And as the evening progressed I could tell that she wasn't living up to her fullest potential. She was sad, down, melancholy if you will. So I whispered to her to enjoy her life. And I hope she will.  
  
Once again I stood surprised as Spike approached me and then kissed me on the cheek. I forced Angel and his sire to hug and they did so with slight hesitance. And as he turned to go I saw the light from the street post glimmer off his face. He was crying. And when questioned, he blew. This volatile vampire went off the handlebars for 3.5 seconds and when he was done I comforted him. Told him I was ready to go and with that he nodded and left.  
  
They left. My past left me and I had no regrets. None. So I smiled. Angel saw me, and took me back inside. I departed upstairs to sleep and to think. To think of my family and friends-the ones that I will always love and cherish deeply.  
  
********** My head was pounding. It was in rhythm with my heartbeat, which I could feel getting weaker. When I opened my eyes I saw Angel hovering over me.  
  
"Hey you." As the words escaped my lips, I knew I sounded pained. He asked me how I was feeling, so evidently I didn't sound as bad as I thought. But there was no use in lying to him. I replied that my head was throbbing. He looked guilty. Though he had no reason to. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't my fault. It was just life. It was time for me to tell him what I'd been meaning to tell him forever. Forewarning him about the oncoming mushyness of the subject, I continued. I hope he understood that I meant everything I said. That I loved him. And that he was the best thing to ever happen to me. And when the tears pricked at my eyes, I had to stop the melancholy mood. He held my hand and promised to fulfill my request: he would go on fighting after I died. So, as he held me I drifted off into a slumber full of wild dreams of that little thing called my life. And when I woke, he was still there. Sitting beside me. Holding my hand. And he knew. I knew. I was about to die. He went and got the rest of the group, leaving me for only mere seconds. And when I thought that hour was the longest hour of my life, I didn't know how lonely this was. All my preconceived notions of death were erased. I never feared it. I was always willing to go considering my life was spent on a hellmouth with several near-death experiences. It was simply a moment my lonesome, but if felt like eternity. An eternity with no Angel. When they finally arrived, I wiped the tears away and they went unnoticed. I spoke to them each and managed to make everyone cry. The ironic thing about this, is that when I was in high school, it was my goal to make people miserable, and now-three years past, it only makes me feel utterly despondent to see these people break down. Huh. Three years could change a person. So, I said goodbye to Fred, Gunn and Lorne. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire lifetime. Until Angel sat by me. He held my hand I told him that I loved him. He loved me too. He held my hand as I peacefully stepped into the next world. A world with no more pain. A world with no goodbyes. A world with no regrets. I had a wild ride. And I loved every minute of it.  
  
I no longer felt useless. I no longer felt weak. I still felt loved. He loved me. And I loved him. And one day, we'll be together again.  
  
~*END*~ 


End file.
